The Crazy Japan Times

Infinitely Wise, Occasionally Accurate, Rarely Up-To-Date

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On the same day these new penalties were announced, however, the Seibu Lions baseball team presented golden boy Daisuke Matsuzaka with a huge new contract. Matsuzaka, you will remember, was caught driving without a license and attempting to cover up the crime and is, supposedly, being punished by Seibu. Of course, we shouldn't be too surprised by this soft treatment, given that just two days before the announcement yet another police department was caught covering up traffic violations on behalf of a rich friend of the police.

By contrast, Toki, the sumo wrestler with the porkchop sideburns and the orange day-glo mawashi, has been confined to his heya quarters indefinitely after killing a woman in a car accident two weeks ago.

Unfortunately for Kato and his minions, he made the announcement while the Diet was in recess. In fact, it wouldn't be in session for another 10 days. This gave Nonaka and the old men of the LDP more than enough time to threaten, cajole and intimidate Kato's faction. In the end, Kato's faction was split, and all the factions involved decided to sit out the vote guaranteeing the motion would fail.

The fallout to all this was rather interesting. Nonaka was asked to resign. Although he put Mori in power and saved his behind a number of times, he failed to keep all members of the party in line. Kato retained control of his faction but has pretty much obliterated his chances at ever being Prime Minister if he stays in the LDP. The Kato faction and the two other factions were excluded from membership in Mori's latest cabinet. Mori's people, however, claim there are no hard feelings.

As to the strategy of defending a man whose presence can only hurt you in the next election, well, I leave that to you to judge.

The old guard were not only stunned, they were pissed off. When Tanaka presented his business card to one of the old guard still in government, the man bent the card in half, saying that the name at the top didn't belong with the title of governor and he didn't want to look at it. All this happened on television sending shockwaves across a Japan that holds business cards more sacred than children. Another old guard member is reported to have crumbled up the card as the governor was leaving. The governor, apparently a believer in getting even rather than getting mad, merely smiled and then turned the police loose. Three other old guard members were arrested for graft and corruption a few days later and others are still under investigation.

To make matters worse for the old guard, Tanaka has continued his populist ways while in office: 1) he eats lunch at least twice a week in the Kensho cafeteria with all the rank and file workers. 2) he had glass walls installed around his office so that the people could see him work (okay, that's a bit gimicky for my taste, but it made his point) and 3) he immediately investigated and cancelled two 20+ year old dam projects when his investigation proved the dams were neither needed nor wanted.

In fact, my only real criticism of him is an inexplicable and large dog-shaped lapel pin he wears all the time. Finally, he is prone to peppering his speeches with English based jargon, "creative conflict" etc. This has earned him some criticism, but it comes across more as sour grapes than anything else.

Curiously, although Ogi is doing well, the Conservative Party continues to suffer. In a recent poll, the same that said Mori is wallowing at 17%, the CP's popularity went up a whole percentage point to 1%. I leave it to the list's polling experts to analyze and comment on that result.

First Runner Up: Wakanohana/Fujishima oyakata, who has announced that he will follow in KONISHIKI's footsteps and leave sumo altogether for the fame and fortune of television. He's already doing commercials and is a popular panel member on the ubiquitous panel shows. The Sumo Powers What Are expressed shock and outrage at the move. They seem to forget the pillorying Wak received at their hands while he was Yokozuna. They practically rushed him into the position then criticised his poor performance when he got injured. Add to this the fact that his brother Takanohana will almost certainly inherit Futagayamabeya (even though Wak is older) and you can see why he took the money and ran.

Second Runner Up: Ichiro Suzuki for daring to be the first position player to move from Japan to the major leagues. His self-deprecating humor and wide-eyed expression when he first entered the Mariner's stadium was a real pleasure to watch.

Special Prize: Matsunami Kenshiro, a former pro-wrestler and now a Diet member with the Conservative Party, who threw a glass of water at the opposition parties during the heated debate over the Mori no-confidence motion. When opposition jeering finally hit a nerve--I think they were making fun of his 1980's Steven Seagal pony tail--Matsunami picked up a glass of water and hurled its contents toward the opposition seats. This gave the opposition a chance to rush the stand and shut down speeches for nearly an hour. Matsunami got hit with a fine and a 20-something day suspension from the diet. He has refused repeated requests to cut off his pony-tail, which he refers to as his chonmage as if he had been a sumo wrestler rather than a performing clown.

Sports Prick of the Year: Chunichi Dragons manager Hoshino who broke an umpire's rib while protesting a bad call. He seemed put off by even the petty five day slap on the wrist he received for what could have constituted an assault charge.

Also, the Fukuoka Daiei Hawks, after losing to the Tokyo Giants 4-2 in the Japan series, were saddled with a 30,000 dollar fine for failing to secure the Fukuoka dome during the series. A group of heart surgeons had reserved the dome over three years ago to use as a convention location. As a result, the Japan series was stopped for three days until the dome became available again. Baseball officials were not pleased.

What brought it all to end was complaints and pressure from a number of groups concerned about the effect this might have on children, not only as a bad moral example, but also what might happen if children were to flip each other on to rocks etc. Surprisingly, Neptune agreed with this, although they could have applied immense fan pressure, and promised to put an end to the NepNage. They did it in front of a packed arena in what may go down as the worst two hours in Japanese television history. (It was, in two words, boring and silly.) Still, although your humble editor can respect their reasons, he can only chant "phoenix, phoenix, phoenix" and wait for the next, cheesy, sexist act to arrive.

Criminals knocked over an armored car in my neighborhood, about 300 feet from the station your humble editor uses everyday. The Sumo Powers What Are, responding to a year with no sold out days of sumo, have suddenly launched an advertising compaign. Not only were posters advertising the next basho put up in early December, the posters included 1) the price of tickets and 2) a list of places where tickets might be acquired for the aforementioned prices. Welcome to the 20th century, Sumo Kyokai, just in time for the 21st. The most popular movie in Japan right now is Battle Royale. It's premise is that a group of junior high kids are forced to play a kill or be killed game in which someone has to die every few hours. It is apparently one of the most violent films in Japanese history. It stars Beat Takeshi and has generated ample controversy/publicity. It was also, apparently, a popular comic book.

That's all the news for now. See you in the 21st century. Happy New Year, Happy New Century, Happy New Millenium.

Yours,

DL